Dear Men, Stop Apologizing, Start Taking Responsibility
“Boy’s locker room is trending”. And I’m not even mildly surprised. Men apologize to me every time a news report about a brutal gang rape and assault surfaces. They say, “On behalf of all men, I’m sorry for these a**holes”. In the past, I had tried my hardest to be understanding. I would politely say, “Thank You, if only we had more men like you” But do you know what the truth is? Every time, a male friend starts apologizing for all men, I cringe. I’m astonished, to be honest, at their nerve, to once again make it all about them.
This self-absorbed narrative, this urge to come to the front and put on a show about being a good man does not sell well. We say thank you and we move on because we know exactly what would happen if we spoke our truth. When men apologize to me, if instead of a thank you, I respond with my aggression, I know exactly where it is going to head. You know it too. You will say it was harmless, that you were trying to be a good chap, and was trying to be an ally all that. No. Consciously or unconsciously, you have contributed your fair share to Patriarchy. Your apology is not powerful enough to fix the generations of trauma, we, as women had to inherit. I was, time and again, insulted for being a feminist. In my twenty two years of life, half the time, I was trying to convince men why I was a feminist and why I needed to be a feminist. I cannot believe that I had to teach my adult cousins that rape jokes are wrong. No, it is not just a joke. Yes, the way you speak matters. Of course, language is important.
Why do you think all of this is okay? There is not the slightest bit of exaggeration in what I’m about to say. I’ve had to explain, teach and convince, literally every man in my life, why the way they thought about, spoke of and perceived women were wrong. And yet, men expect us to be considerate and not give into stereotypes and generalize all men while talking of Chauvinism? Men don’t have qualms about squeezing my ass, thighs and breasts. No conscience prick in stalking me day and night in my own campus, verbally assaulting me, sending me unsolicited dick pics, and calling me a kochamma feminist for standing up for myself. Casually pass a rape joke for laughs, a rape joke based in my own horror of an encounter, morph girls’ pictures, talk of gang raping them and send it around for your own perverted pleasure in your pathetic social media groups.
When I talk of all of this, once again I’m the villain. I want too much. I ask for too much. Why can’t women just be women. My cousin has the guts to tell to my face that “ no offense, all women are gold diggers” and that “ Patriarchy is just a myth” and others say “Why do you want to go out at night, anyway?”, yet I have to think twice, tone down my anger, be nicer, talk softer when talking about the crimes you keep on doing to us. I know two pedophiles in my life. TWO PEDOPHILES. And the two are having the time of their lives. They are free, out and about doing whatever they wish to whoever they want.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of feeling like I owe everyone an explanation for my aggression.I’m tired of everything I have to go through on a daily basis. And I’m tired of softening the edges of my stories while talking about it. Dear Men, you were the reason for all our insecurities, for all our greatest fears, yet your number one concern is that we drag you into our trauma stories. Stop apologizing. Sit with yourself. Face your flaws for a change and think of why all of us are so angry at you. I can write a book about this but good god am I tired. Look, if your immediate, instinctive response to this is coming up with something that will further protect your own ego, and your gender, don’t bother. I’m not going to give you a shred of an explanation for any of this.
And yes also, the next time, you hear another news report of harassment, rape, or cyber bullying, don’t be surprised. This is not news for you. We have been talking to you about this for centuries. But we were just overreacting, right?
This is just a way of life for us.
